The Onion on the Penn State scandal

[Earl]

http://www.theonion.com/articles/nation ... g-u,26724/

NEWS
Nation's 10-Year-Old Boys: 'If You See Someone Raping Us, Please Call The Police'

''Doesn't Matter Who, Doesn't Matter Where,' Children Say

November 28, 2011 | ISSUE 47â?¢48


If, for example, these boys were being raped, they would want you to stop reading this and call the
police right away.

UNIVERSITY PARK, PAâ??In the wake of the sex abuse scandal that rocked Penn State earlier this month, a coalition of 10-year-old boys from across the nation held a press conference Saturday outside Beaver Stadium, home of college football's Nittany Lions, to remind Americans that if they see someone raping a prepubescent boy, they should contact the police immediately.

"Considering that the monstrous acts perpetrated by Jerry Sandusky went unreported for years, even after a fellow coach saw him raping a 10-year-old boy inside the facility behind me, we feel perhaps not everyone is totally clear on what to do if one witnesses such a thing," said spokesperson Joshua Pearson, who was flanked by several of his fifth-grade colleagues. "Many of you will no doubt be relieved to know the proper course of action is really quite simple: Just contact the police. Call 911, go to your local precinct, stop an officer on the streetâ??the bottom line is, if you see one of us getting raped, notify the police, and do so as quickly as possible."

"It doesn't matter who the boy being raped is, and it doesn't matter who is doing the raping, just please, please alert law enforcement," Pearson added as the 10-year-old boys surrounding him nodded soberly. "And by the way, under no circumstances is it ever okay for an adult to rape a 10-year-old boy, so you really can't go wrong by calling the police when something like that happens."


This man was spotted raping a 10-year-old boy on Mar. 1, 2002. So the police should have been
called on Mar. 1, 2002. Understand?

Pearson fielded several questions from reporters, such as whether it is okay, when one sees a boy being raped, to wait until after lunch before contacting police, or if it is acceptable to simply inform the rapist in a firm tone that what he is doing is wrong and then leave it at that. The 10-year-old confirmed neither course of action was adequate.

Additionally, Pearson attempted to clear up any confusion as to whether an individual should contact the police even if he or she has been personally acquainted with the rapist for many years.

"We understand the delicacy of the situation when the person committing the rape is a coworker or otherwise someone you know quite well, but as 10-year-old boys with very few ways of protecting ourselves, we still have to insist that you go to the police," Pearson said. "While we appreciate your reporting such acts to a supervisor at work or a trusted clergy member, unfortunately that may not be enough, and it is not the most responsible course of action. As the sad events at Penn State have taught us, there is no way to guarantee the highly important boy-raping information will reach the proper authorities unless you deliver it yourself."

"So, to reiterate: If you ever see a 10-year-old boy being rapedâ??by anyone, at any time, even if it's a Sunday afternoonâ??it is very, very important that you go directly to the police and clearly explain what you saw, remembering to identify the person who was doing the raping," Pearson continued.

According to Pearson, even if one merely suspects he or she has seen a 10-year-old boy being raped, but is not absolutely certain, it is still a good idea to play it safe and allow police investigators to sort out the situation.

"Wouldn't you be left with egg on your face if that little boy was actually being raped and you didn't tell the police!" said Pearson, drawing a big laugh from the gathered crowd.

The nation's 10-year-olds unanimously echoed Pearson's sentiments, imploring people to contact police not only when they see prepubescent boys being raped, but, in fact, when they see anyone at all being raped, in any context.

"Certainly, if you were to see me being raped, I would want you to call the policeâ??I'm a 10-year-old boy who couldn't possibly give my consent, or even fully grasp the horror of what was happening to me," Sioux Falls, SD resident Nick Kealey, 10, said between games of Mario Kart DS. "What's really at issue here is the act of rape itself. So, yes, if you see a 10-year-old boy like me being raped, by all means, call the police. But don't just walk on by if you see, say, a teenage girl being raped in a locker room, or even a full-grown man being raped in an alleyway. These are also situations in which you should definitely call the police, and right away."

"Seeing any person get raped at any time, even just once, is more than enough reason to contact the police," Kealey added. "I can't stress that enough."

Following Saturday's announcement, police stations around the country reported a flood of incoming phone calls.

[Safety]

Truly inspiring journalism.

[Earl]

One of the problems with posting online is the potential for misunderstanding. I haven't been sure how to respond to you, Safety. That's why I'm just now responding in this thread. I assume you weren't responding to the OP in a serious tone, but were just joking. I also assume you're aware that The Onion is not a journalistic website. They've never made such pretentions. (Some years ago certain Chinese Communist government officials indicated they had taken an Onion "report" literally as if it were reliable news. You'd think they would have known better.) Safety, I hope you weren't thinking that I intended this "article" to be regarded as factual and that it should be taken literally. Surely not, I assume. The reason I posted it is because it's excellent satire -- which, like all other satirical literature, is not meant to be taken literally. For example, Jonathan Swift's classic "A Modest Proposal" comes to mind. What I appreciate about effective satire is that even when it's ludicrous, it still makes a strong point; in other words, it expresses a truth. Not only that, I found this Onion "report" to be absolutely hilarious. I laughed out loud when I read it. Fancy that, finding humor in a horrible scandal.

[Safety]

It's okay, Earl. I've known about The Onion for a long time and they've even helped inspire some of my own writing. I have them liked on Facebook as well.