Sports Suck!
by Mr Joshua, 10/12/99
So every day I like to come home, kick back, and watch "The Simpsons" after a hard day at work. But what do I get for the past fucking week? Baseball. Motherfucking baseball. Why the hell are they taking off reruns of the most brilliant network series ever for a fucking baseball game? I don't give a shit about baseball. I give a shit about "The Simpsons". Who decided to deviate from a perfectly good programming schedule and confuse the hell out of viewers? Tell me who! I want his fucking balls on a platter so I may stab them with rusty nails! Do you hear me? Yeah, I'm talkin' to you, you pansy buttfucker! You, the Fox programming executive who drives that ugly-ass Lincoln Navigator and is working in Culver City right now. I know where you live, bitch... and me and Black & Decker are coming over to educate your ass.
Whew... I feel much better now. It's been a long time since I had a good rant. I knew I named this site "Foaming at the Mouth" for some reason other than the fact that it's a cool sounding title. But seriously, I don't hate sports... except when they interrupt my regular viewing habits. Which tends to happen quite a lot.
I honestly could not give a shit one way or the other about any sport. I'm sure they're fun for some people, but to me they're just pointless. I enjoy playing some sports recreationally, but why the hell would I want to watch other people doing it? Unless one of my friends is playing, in which case I'll try to show up to give a little support... but really... why the flaming fuck do people actually pay money to sit on their asses to watch someone else play a game? I don't know these people, and frankly I could give a rat's ass whether they win, lose, or get run over by a runaway zamboni.
It might be a little different if the NFL allowed flamethrowers or baseball players frequently pounded the shit out of each other with the bats, but right now sport are just plain boring. Who wants to watch a bunch of guys run around like idiots chasing balls of different shapes? And women's sports? Even worse. Topless volleyball might be interesting, but most female professional athletes I see are just as ugly as the men and I'll be damned if I'm gonna watch ugly people. If I wanted to watch butt-ugly people engaging in pointless competition, I'd go to a family reunion. Give me the WB any day, where everyone is young and beautiful (with the exception of Katie Holmes, who used to be semi-hot but lately looks like bastard child of Peter Lorre and a bulldog).
Back to sports. Yeah, I understand that crap about "teamwork" and "sportsmanship". I heard it all in my youth soccer days. But frankly, it bores the shit out of me. And as you can probably tell, it really pisses me off when they take off my favorite show for a game I care nothing about. I mean, aren't there enough sports channels out there to show this crap on? I have over a hundred channels on my cable system and I'd guess that at least 20% are sports related. We've got about 6 different ESPNs, Fox Sports, Fox Sports West, Fox Sports Guyana, the "Vietnamese Chicks Who Shoot Ping-Pong Balls Out Their Twats" channel, and of course CBS which just sucks ass no matter what they're showing.
And that's the way it is, folks.