Seven Reasons Why Football Sucks!
Posted: Wed Apr 15, 2009 6:18 pm
Here are the top seven reasons why football sucks!!!
OK, I know the winter season is over, so it's kind of late to post this, but these are eternal truths that apply in all seasons.
Football sucks, whether there are any games in progress or not!
====================
7 Reasons Why Football Sucks!
Winter is a season of evil. Thereâ??s snow, cold, caroling, happiness, screaming little shits going after every toy they see with a passion that I had once thought only existed in drug addicts and of course the fact that â??Christmasâ? is just a blatant rip-off of traditional Viking Yule.
But one thing, above all else, is pure evil. This evil rears its vile, ugly head every year starting in the last days of summer and lasts until a month before spring. This malevolence is calledâ?¦â??professional footballâ?.
I could easily think of thousands of things Iâ??d rather experience than watch a football game. But instead, I decided to highlight the suckiest things about this sport, and all that come with it, and why a kick to the crotch is more fun.
7. Overly frequent commercials
I donâ??t know what it is about this sport that every single play has to be followed by a stream of annoying commercials that seem to question my intelligence. Being a Viking, I donâ??t need Enzyte. McDonalds is vomit marketed as â??foodâ?. Geico doesnâ??t even have the decency to stick to one mascot. (I feel really safe in the hands of people like that!)
It gets more annoying when the game continues and most of the â??actionâ? is lost due to commercial time, then the ball gets dropped and itâ??s back to the frigginâ?? ads! To add to the advertising, the stadiums usually have ads around the field, the announcers make sales pitches, and they have animated ads that flash at the bottom of the screen for various insurance companies. Hell, why not go one step further and make the players wear billboards! Thatâ??d convince me to buy some lame ass product! Then we can show more commercials in between the main ad! Just like ASSCAR, er, I mean NASCAR.
6. Itâ??s not even football
Go to any other country in the world and â??footballâ? is what we call â??soccerâ?. Way to go America! You just proved that youâ??re a dumbass! In fact, the foot is hardly even used in the fucking game, only for field goals. Thereâ??s nothing â??footâ? about it in the end. Why not call it by what itâ??s based on, rugby. Only most Americans are too wimpy to get hurt to play it the right way so they sissy-fied it into what we are tortured with every year.
5. Dumbass jocks living it up easy
Jocks get treated like gods. Not just in high school where they can skip class to go smash their heads into each other over a stupid slab of rubber filled with air, but also in the real world, where they get paid millions to do the same damn shit. Most of them probably donâ??t even know how much a million is, for itâ??s common knowledge that jocks lack basic math skills (and most other skills as well).
Now before anyone says â??what do you have against [sic] jocks LOL!!!1one! Your [sic] probably [sic] some stupid musician [sic] who got billed [sic] by da cool kidz [sic] for being [sic] a dork.â?
To make things clear, I have nothing against them. After all, who else could I trust to pump my gas, or move my piano, or get my meal ready at a casual restaurant in the fastest, cheapest way possible?
4. Notre Dame
Who cares? Itâ??s only a college game. Big fat whoop-dee-damn-do! Why donâ??t you go to your local college and support them (if you have one)? It may just be the only way your dumbass kid, who didnâ??t even know his own name when he entered kindergarten, will get somewhere in life. Be the coachâ??s bitch; get your kid to college!
3. Shitty food
Potato chips can kick ass. The best flavors are the regular salt and grease, sour cream and onion and the new salt and pepper variety. Barbecue is okay, but not important enough to be listed in the top three. But once football season starts, these good flavors of junk food get shadowed by ghastly versions of shit food.
Anyone who rushes out for a big econo bag of salt and vinegar chips needs to have their ass ripped off and glued to their head. Then thereâ??s the pizza flavor, so spicy your ass will bleed flavor, Limon (lime flavor, gag), pickle. Pickle? Pickle! What the hell? And this is just from Lays (with the exception of pizza, thatâ??s made by Pringles) who are also promoting football on their website!
Then there are the nachos, salsa, and a whole host of southwestern snacks. Since when did American culture become Mexican? What is the fascination with this shit? I love spicy food, but it has to be food in order for me to eat it! Dried and salted mini-burritos in a bag are not food!
Now these are available all year round, but they seem to be more prominent (and advertised) once football season starts.
2. The Super Bowl
The Super Bowl can be considered good only because it is the last game of the season and we donâ??t have to put up with football anymore! What pisses me off about it though is that it is considered an unofficial holiday in the United States. Have we really gone that low? Some people forget when Veterans Day is (or donâ??t even know that it commemorates the end of World War I), but of course theyâ??d remember what day this yearâ??s Super Bowl is on!
Then there are the millions of dollars for more commercials to make the funniest one. Too bad they all usually suck ass. Better yet, why not make ALL commercials funny, that way advertising agencies wonâ??t piss so many people off every time their annoying televised shit is aired.
1. Overreaction of Players
This infuriates me more than anything else about this stupid sport. Score a touchdown; do a dance that even the most flamboyant male ballet star will look at with awe while saying, â??God that is so gay.â?
Throw this in with endless ass slaps, chest butts, occasional hugging and you have a sport that makes prancing around a maypole look like Street Fighter. I swear; the only reason that these athletes have to wear mouth guards is to keep them from making out with each other on the field.
Then to add to all this, there are bigots out there who you will find raving about football and its â??manlinessâ? and then aggressively criticize anything a gay person has done. Iâ??d love to know where they buy their mirror polish.
And there you have it. Seven reasons why football sucks and will continue to suck until everyone realizes it and the game is never played again.
====================
If you can think up some more reasons why football sucks, please let me know.
Thank you.
OK, I know the winter season is over, so it's kind of late to post this, but these are eternal truths that apply in all seasons.
Football sucks, whether there are any games in progress or not!
====================
7 Reasons Why Football Sucks!
Winter is a season of evil. Thereâ??s snow, cold, caroling, happiness, screaming little shits going after every toy they see with a passion that I had once thought only existed in drug addicts and of course the fact that â??Christmasâ? is just a blatant rip-off of traditional Viking Yule.
But one thing, above all else, is pure evil. This evil rears its vile, ugly head every year starting in the last days of summer and lasts until a month before spring. This malevolence is calledâ?¦â??professional footballâ?.
I could easily think of thousands of things Iâ??d rather experience than watch a football game. But instead, I decided to highlight the suckiest things about this sport, and all that come with it, and why a kick to the crotch is more fun.
7. Overly frequent commercials
I donâ??t know what it is about this sport that every single play has to be followed by a stream of annoying commercials that seem to question my intelligence. Being a Viking, I donâ??t need Enzyte. McDonalds is vomit marketed as â??foodâ?. Geico doesnâ??t even have the decency to stick to one mascot. (I feel really safe in the hands of people like that!)
It gets more annoying when the game continues and most of the â??actionâ? is lost due to commercial time, then the ball gets dropped and itâ??s back to the frigginâ?? ads! To add to the advertising, the stadiums usually have ads around the field, the announcers make sales pitches, and they have animated ads that flash at the bottom of the screen for various insurance companies. Hell, why not go one step further and make the players wear billboards! Thatâ??d convince me to buy some lame ass product! Then we can show more commercials in between the main ad! Just like ASSCAR, er, I mean NASCAR.
6. Itâ??s not even football
Go to any other country in the world and â??footballâ? is what we call â??soccerâ?. Way to go America! You just proved that youâ??re a dumbass! In fact, the foot is hardly even used in the fucking game, only for field goals. Thereâ??s nothing â??footâ? about it in the end. Why not call it by what itâ??s based on, rugby. Only most Americans are too wimpy to get hurt to play it the right way so they sissy-fied it into what we are tortured with every year.
5. Dumbass jocks living it up easy
Jocks get treated like gods. Not just in high school where they can skip class to go smash their heads into each other over a stupid slab of rubber filled with air, but also in the real world, where they get paid millions to do the same damn shit. Most of them probably donâ??t even know how much a million is, for itâ??s common knowledge that jocks lack basic math skills (and most other skills as well).
Now before anyone says â??what do you have against [sic] jocks LOL!!!1one! Your [sic] probably [sic] some stupid musician [sic] who got billed [sic] by da cool kidz [sic] for being [sic] a dork.â?
To make things clear, I have nothing against them. After all, who else could I trust to pump my gas, or move my piano, or get my meal ready at a casual restaurant in the fastest, cheapest way possible?
4. Notre Dame
Who cares? Itâ??s only a college game. Big fat whoop-dee-damn-do! Why donâ??t you go to your local college and support them (if you have one)? It may just be the only way your dumbass kid, who didnâ??t even know his own name when he entered kindergarten, will get somewhere in life. Be the coachâ??s bitch; get your kid to college!
3. Shitty food
Potato chips can kick ass. The best flavors are the regular salt and grease, sour cream and onion and the new salt and pepper variety. Barbecue is okay, but not important enough to be listed in the top three. But once football season starts, these good flavors of junk food get shadowed by ghastly versions of shit food.
Anyone who rushes out for a big econo bag of salt and vinegar chips needs to have their ass ripped off and glued to their head. Then thereâ??s the pizza flavor, so spicy your ass will bleed flavor, Limon (lime flavor, gag), pickle. Pickle? Pickle! What the hell? And this is just from Lays (with the exception of pizza, thatâ??s made by Pringles) who are also promoting football on their website!
Then there are the nachos, salsa, and a whole host of southwestern snacks. Since when did American culture become Mexican? What is the fascination with this shit? I love spicy food, but it has to be food in order for me to eat it! Dried and salted mini-burritos in a bag are not food!
Now these are available all year round, but they seem to be more prominent (and advertised) once football season starts.
2. The Super Bowl
The Super Bowl can be considered good only because it is the last game of the season and we donâ??t have to put up with football anymore! What pisses me off about it though is that it is considered an unofficial holiday in the United States. Have we really gone that low? Some people forget when Veterans Day is (or donâ??t even know that it commemorates the end of World War I), but of course theyâ??d remember what day this yearâ??s Super Bowl is on!
Then there are the millions of dollars for more commercials to make the funniest one. Too bad they all usually suck ass. Better yet, why not make ALL commercials funny, that way advertising agencies wonâ??t piss so many people off every time their annoying televised shit is aired.
1. Overreaction of Players
This infuriates me more than anything else about this stupid sport. Score a touchdown; do a dance that even the most flamboyant male ballet star will look at with awe while saying, â??God that is so gay.â?
Throw this in with endless ass slaps, chest butts, occasional hugging and you have a sport that makes prancing around a maypole look like Street Fighter. I swear; the only reason that these athletes have to wear mouth guards is to keep them from making out with each other on the field.
Then to add to all this, there are bigots out there who you will find raving about football and its â??manlinessâ? and then aggressively criticize anything a gay person has done. Iâ??d love to know where they buy their mirror polish.
And there you have it. Seven reasons why football sucks and will continue to suck until everyone realizes it and the game is never played again.
====================
If you can think up some more reasons why football sucks, please let me know.
Thank you.
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