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I Hate the Superbowl So Much I Should Have a Girlfriend

Written By: Joe

To say I hate sports would be an understatement. I positively loathe the things. The only benefit I see them having is that of the most basic, which is to say the fact that it is healthy for the body to engage in physical activity. I'm a very lazy man so I don't engage in much of anything, but were I planning to, I would probably still opt for exercising in the privacy of my own home, rather than getting involved in an organized sport of some kind.

Sports in general are, in a manner of speaking, the death of society, in my mind. The playing of them is one thing but the watching is a whole other ballgame (HAHAHAAAA). Certainly there are other things in the world to consume one's time needlessly. One could argue this about video games and television shows and movies and, in one sense, be correct. However, unless you only partake in pure, unmitigated filth (reality television, for example), there can be art and creativity in what you are observing. There are stories to be found in these forms of media and you are absorbing SOMETHING from them, as base and simple as it might be. Yes, even with some video games. I am one of the weird people (dorks) who thinks art can be found within a video game (not a lot of them mind you), but that's another discussion.

Sports, on the other hand, wallow in a complete absence of creativity. They fit perfectly alongside conservative politics, actually. Rules are followed rigidly, nothing ever changes, and the ultimate goal is money. The fact that there are guys (and girls but I'll just say guys for now) who worship sports stars like there's something special about them is ludicrous to me. Certainly, there's something special about them: they're bigger and faster and less evolved than the star before them.

Ho ho! Yes, that's generalizing a bit, sure, and I suppose one could marvel at what a uniquely developed bit of human physique a player has but, overall, this isn't really a world-changing type of thing. He can hit more things! He can throw things better! He can jump higher than most! In the end, this is a difference of numbers and, frankly, I'm not hugely impressed. Plus, considering sports seem to be mostly the love of heterosexual males (a group of which I am a member, just a damaged one), I've always found it funny that there's something inherently faggy about them, what with all the muscle-men in tight clothes and the butt-patting and so forth. So, yes, I'm challenging the manhood of sports-lovers now. Luckily, this is the internet so no one can beat me up.

What good is there in people WATCHING sports, really? I personally cannot find any. Guys (I'm gonna keep saying guys although I'm aware that there are sports-liking women (read: women I dislike) as well) yell and scream at their TVs like what's happening on there is gonna change their lives. They act like specific players represent their whole state even though the player was just recently bought by the team. People have rivalies over this shit. WHY?! MAKE A SANDWICH OR SOMETHING! That's at least productive in some way. Religion might be the opiate of the masses but sports are the opiate of the male masses.

Football Americano seems to me to be the worst sport there is because it's so obscenely boring. I mean, I can't really stand (and I truly mean that) watching any sport but football is a series of big people running into each other and then waiting around awhile and then doing that again. My opinion was always that football started on a playground somewhere with a bully making up the idea and playing it against wimpy kids. "I RUN INTO YOU AND YOU RUN INTO ME COME ON IT WILL BE GREAT." Later, a ball, other big people, and a couple more rules were added but this is all inconsequential.

The Superbowl is the worst of the worst because it's not just a game but a goddamned national phenomenon. People who don't even watch football feel obligated to watch the Superbowl like it's something that one must do. (I think the Oscars sometimes get this wholly undeserved treatment as well.) I once knew a lad who hated sports but said he was going to watch the Superbowl that year. "Why?" I asked. "'s the Superbowl," said he. To his credit, he got too bored and stopped watching partway through but still YOU SEE THE PSYCHOLOGICAL RAMIFICATIONS OF THIS SHIT?!?

I tried it myself one year and then thought about it and said "Wait a minute. This is ridiculous. I'm not watching the fucking Superbowl." The fact that it can draw in non-sports watchers is a sick thing in itself. I've heard women say they watch for the commercials. THE COMMERCIALS?!? That might even be worse than watching for the game!!! "I want to see how crap I don't need is going to be marketed to me this year."

Okay, so I'll admit I may be stepping on my own toes in a sense because commercials usually tell a story and try to be somewhat creative. Maybe you can actually learn something from them. I will say this is MAYBE possible and commercials are sometimes (but VERY RARELY) creative and entertaining. Still, this is almost completely negated by the fact that some product (yes, I know, someone's novel or film could be seen as "the product" in a preview or blurb but just let me have this one) is behind every bit of a commercial, making it hard to enjoy even if you like the ad and this is a very, very slim occurence for me.

million dollar boobage

The ads and the whole spectacle of the Superbowl also add up to what a disgusting waste of money it is. That the COMMERCIALS have been sensationalized to the point that advertisers are aware that people find their Superbowl commercials SOOOO IMPORTANT that they (the advertisers, not the viewers) spends millions of dollars on them is just putrid. The whole thing: game, half-time show, ads, and all is just a glamourized bit of blatant American money flashing. It's like the essence of Times Square splattered up on the TV screen once a year.

I hate sports, I hate football, and I hate the Superbowl. The concept depicted in so many commercials and sitcoms of a guy being too immersed in some televised sport to pay his woman any mind is something that would never come to pass in my case. (I won't deny the possibility of this still happening with video games, unfortunately.) I believe, quite literally, that any moment sports are on a TV I'm in the nearby vicinity of, is a moment of my life wasted (and painfully so, I might add). So if there are any women out there who wanna come hang out in my apartment today, I'm just gonna be writing. So that should be fun to watch.